Mommy Anxieties

mommy anxietiesI’ve shared what I’m learning about motherhood a few times already but this time, I can tell you it hasn’t been easy lately. Motherhood so far has been a big challenge for me. You see, Noah is this very active toddler that sometimes I don’t want to bring him out of the house.

He doesn’t have ADHD. I know because: he is not easily distracted, he can focus on one task for minutes to hours, he doesn’t struggle following instructions, and he doesn’t have any difficult performing quiet tasks when needed

But then again we still haven’t brought him to a doctor to be tested. Naaah, he doesn’t have ADHD.  (Tell me if you think I’m wrong though.)

He is 3 and 1/2 years old. Next month, he will go to a nursery school our church has put up. I am excited and at the same time anxious.

I thought that it would be easier for me and my husband when Noah goes to school. That we’d have more time for each other, ourselves, and be able to do other things. But I don’t think that will happen. Our kid going to school will require more of our time and efforts–mine especially.

I am afraid. Sometimes I feel that my “life” will be over come June. Why? Because after more than six years of having the freedom to sleep and get up late, I now have to wake up at 6AM to prepare my son, myself, and our meals. That would require a big effort on my part. You may say it’s no big deal but it is to me. I have always been a night owl but soon, I will have to set some boundaries for myself and my son. (Dapat naman dati pa talaga. )

Because of the nature of my and my husband’s work, we sleep late. His work starts at 4pm and ends at 1am but he always extends until 4  or 5am. Since I’m the kind of wife who waits for her husband, I wait for him while I finish work, read, or do other stuff around the house. I don’t know how and when this ‘waiting-for-husband-who-works-downstairs’ started but I know it’s been going on since August of last year. Putting Noah to sleep earlier has been successful so far. He’s ready for bed by 9PM but he falls asleep at around 10:30PM. We’ve been successful the past two weeks.

I dread waking up early in the morning. I’ve been waking up at around 7 or 8am now because of Noah’s summer class which starts at 10am. Sadly, it has been so hard for me that I wanted to cry at times. I know this is so easy for some mothers but again, we’re used to waking up late– my husband, son, and I–for years that it is so difficult to adjust. Everyday that I wake up and drag myself from the bed, I say to myself, “This is for my son.” And then being grateful that both of my parents did the same thing for me and my siblings would follow.

My husband has been very helpful. Thank God! He wakes me up because even if I have dozen alarms on my phone and I still don’t get up. He’s a light sleeper and it helps. When he knows we’re running late, he wakes Noah up, dresses him, and prepares his school stuff while I do things in the kitchen to prepare his food and drinks for the day and get ready myself. And after all those, I still need to work.

I often wonder how my parents did it, especially my mom who was a stay-at-home mother. Will I be able to match the things she did for us? Getting up early to cook, prepare us, and make sure we have the things we need for school.

Oftentimes I say to myself, “This is it. There’s no turning back. We’re parents. Real parenting starts now.”

We’re no longer two adults playing house, “babysitting” our son. We’re now at a point in our lives when we have to do (or not do) what our parents did for us. This is LIFE.

I worry about our finances. We’re not paying the full amount of Noah’s tuition because we can’t and I read somewhere it’s not wise to pay the full amount because there is a tendency for a toddler to stop and actually not like school. I have reviewed our monthly budget and because of this new endeavor, we would be adding payment for his schooling and our transportation to our expenses. I need to get used to commuting since we don’t have a car. I find it sad and ironic that we won’t be driving Noah to school when husband and I both grew up with family cars. Nothing wrong with public transportation but sometimes I feel sorry for myself.

I have a couple of weeks more to adjust. I need to sleep early now. No more Mrs. Night Owl. I need to rethink our household schedule and review our finances. I need to accept the fact that a jeepney will take my son to school.  I have to prepare myself physically, mentally, and spiritually as this new phase in our life requires more from me.

I remember during my kindergarten days my parents would take me to school in our old Toyota. Dad would be driving and mom would review me our lessons. I imagined we would be like that: husband driving while I review Noah’s lessons for the day. But that ain’t happening.

It’s either that or we move to a place closer to his pre-school. We’ve been looking for an apartment or a condo nearby because our rent will increase next year and because we think it would be more convenient for all of us.

What husband and I will go through starting this June will all be for the sake of our son. I am anxious. I’m afraid that I can’t do all those things but I know that it will be God who will sustain me, my husband, and my son. Each of us will be facing new changes in the coming weeks. Scary but exciting!

I am just so thankful to God that we can do this school thing as a whole family– all three of us. That God has provided for us so we can enroll Noah in a good school. That we can pay for our apartment and that we have money to pay for transportation and not walk. That we are blessed to have our church open a pre-school. It was truly an answered prayer!

I can think of ways on how to make things better but everyday I wake up, God would reming me that I am living The Dream. The dream of being married to a righteous husband, a healthy child, and roof over our heads. That dream of mine to become a stay-at-home mom and wife so I could personally take care of my family and not leave them to strangers. I only dreamed of having a husband with a good job and who would come home every night but God blessed me more with a stay-at-home husband! What more could I ask for? So yes, I guess I am living My Dream.

Anxious I am but maybe not for long. I want to live again what the Bible says in Philippians 4:6:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

God has given us more than we need. And should we need or want more, we are free to come to God and wait for His answer.

It’s up to me to be content and show my gratefulness to the Father.

To rely on God alone and not on ourselves or anyone.
To remind myself that this is where He wants me to be.
To be more thankful for His Abundant GRACE.


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