if you happen to be on friendster, you’d know that my current occupation is a professional bum plus a yaya and maid on the side…i’ve never been so busy in my life!!! okay, i know those aren’t my kids but i just love taking care of ’em..haaaay!makes me wanna be a mom..but don’t get me wrong…i dont want to have a baby on my own now..not anytime soon…its just that seeing a woman with her baby makes me green with envy…really…one of my greatest fears is not being able to bear a child or experience being a real mom.( I don’t agree with adoption. I don’t know why. Maybe because its just so saddening. Anyway, I realized this burning desire of mine when my sister and aunt was about to give birth to their babies and was actually aggravated when the babies finally came out. Oh..how I really wish I could be a mom. But why do I worry about not being able to bear a child ? I don’t know. Anything can happen. Then I realized that I shouldn’t be thinking of such things bur rather look forward to being one(a mom). I said to myself that God wont we let me experience these things and make me feel this way if He wont bless me with a child in the future. (btw, the issue if i could probably be celibate for life is settled—I’m going to marry—I know it in my heart…Ü God knows with whom and when…mmmm…) this desire within me sometimes hurts. I really cant understand. Maybe its just the idea that I love kids so much and I enjoy taking care of them. Kids really amuse me. They bring a different joy. And someday, God-willing…I am claiming, that God would bless me and my future husband kids(I’d like to have three..Ü)

anyway, for the past 3 weeks or so, I’ve learned a lesson or two on mothering. i now know how a parent feels when his or her child gets hurt. (now, I understand why my mom cried when my sis was having some really really really bad ..[was that cramps?] aches that she almost fainted…ooops! Sorry mom for having disclosed this). you see, my cousin etoy,(obviously one of my alagas) was accidentally burnt by my brother at the back..he was crying so hard and was even screaming while I was hugging him..i thought I could handle it but when he wouldn’t stop, I just started to cry too. It was so painful for me. More so on his part. Imagine the kid weeping for your help but you just couldn’t do something. I was terrified. If only I could shoulder his pain. If only I could do something to lessen the pain. I wanted so much to stop his crying but It took us one hour(yeah…that includes me) to stop our wailing..worse, it was also the time when my sister was giving birth and I said to myself that I’d be at the hospital..but because of what just happened, I couldn’t. I’ve always lwaited for that day when I’ll witness everything(well..not really) my sister’s son’s arrival…moving on, so when his mother finally came to him, we parted and I took a bath..i thought I would also stop but I just couldn’t…I asked ‘how could this happen on this days?’…its supposed to be a special day for me and my family but something happened..i was crying even after I took a bath and when I started to contemplate on the things that just happened..maybe you’d tell me that it was really nothing but It felt so different..bad at that, and I never want that to happen again..to have a child clinging to you while he is really really hurting..with all the tears and the screams.. I said to myself ‘I’d never do anything stupid that would really hurt my parents’..it was just so painful for me..good thing though I remembered to pray, I took that time to teach him how to pray..and now when I think about it, I smile because something good resulted from it..i knew that it was worth it when the other day I told that cousin of mine that my right foot hurts, I was so amazed when he told me ‘okay lang..pagagalingin naman nyan ni Jesus”..and I asked , ‘bakit?’..he replied, ‘eh syempre nag-pray ako eh’…awww…I wanted to cry then..he remembered..’thank you Lord’ I whispered…Ü

another thing, I had the opportunity(was it?) to babysit for 3 kids ages: 4, 6 mos, and a 3 week old baby!! Can you believe that!? I was left alone with them (oh well..my bro was here but was really faithful to the computer)..etoy’s 4 so I could still ask him to help..he did by the way..the 3 week old baby girl was a perennial sleeper..nikki, the 6 month old baby, on the other hand, was the most difficult..when he was finally asleep, I told etoy to sit beside him so he wouldn’t fall in case nikki wakes up and turns over coz he might fall…the smallest baby was well,okay..she’s always been a good girl but when hungry turns to a monster..hehe..40 minutes have passed…or so I thought everything was okay when the baby girl yelped for her milk..i made her suck a bottle(but of course I was holding it)..now hear this, while I was feeding the 3 week old baby..etoy stood up from his position to momentarily increase the volume of the tv…then nikki woke up and started to roll over..maaaan! good thing I was looking so I dropped the bottle and started to run to save the other baby from falling!!! Hahaha! I didn’t get frightened..oh well..yeah..a little..but I just laughed when baby nikki was in my arms..phew!!! it was so nakakaloka talaga ah..what an experience..okay..i know it was nothing compared to real yayas…it was maybe a taste of my burning desire…nakakaloka(what’s a better English word for this??Ü) as it is, it sure felt good. I felt sooo responsible. Finally, for the longest time, I felt that im somehow “useful”…Ü

lastly, I finally had the chance to spend time with my nephew NAV(nathanael visca)..he’s just so adorable!!! I felt I love him…of course..it should always be that way..it felt really different when the baby is your sister’s…I wanted to cry but I didn’t..dont wanna be branded as madrama again..anyway, I enjoyed taking pix of NAV and JULIANA(the 3 week old baby)…too bad NIKKI wasn’t there..it could have been a blast..er..or a riot…haha! That would be so much fun-ner and cuter…oh! Babies!!! (Lord, I want my own in the future..Ü)

that’s just about it..my thoughts on being a “mother”..a surrogate one at that..just like what’s written in the Bible, “Children are a gift from God. Babies a reward”…they really are…I pray that someday, God would bless me with a ‘gift’..a ‘gift’ that I know in my whole heart I would love all my life…but for now, I have 4 to love: ETOY,NIKKI, JULIANA, and NAV…Ü the last on the list I feel is my own..